Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
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