My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
