I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
