Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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