I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Randomize
