Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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