Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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