i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
