Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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