i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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