Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
