p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
