Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Randomize
