my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
