jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
