there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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