Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
