***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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