I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
