I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
