If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
