hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
