Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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