swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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