Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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