I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
