my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
