i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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