just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
