Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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