Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
