We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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