We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
