Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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