I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found puke in my bra..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Come back. Shots need mouths.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
