i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
