I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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