Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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