i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
