The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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