My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
