just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
