you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
