if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
