Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
