I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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