It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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