I think my fart just growled at me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
