i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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