very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize