saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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