i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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