Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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