You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
