oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
