Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
