John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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