I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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