i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
