I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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