There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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