don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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