Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
